12:54 a.m.

contemplating life vs death. what am i even doing with myself?

Me: You’re not one of those douchebags who dumps the girl that loves him and goes around to “find himself”, right?

Jon: Why would I need to find what I already have with you…?　

You mean the entire world to me and I hope you know how happy you make me 

<3

I’ve been on this emotional stupid rollar coaster. There’s literally no reason I should be depressed- besides the fact I’m failing chem/latin and probably math, not to mention i’m 30 lbs overweight- but I can’t shake this feeling that people just don’t care. I’ve made some new friends that I definitely love and everything but I can’t just unload all my bullshit about random weird feelings. I don’t want to push Jon away because I feel like he gets so sick of hearing it and I love him and just want him to love me (I know you do baby, I’m just pathetic). I’m trying really hard. My physical being is a mess in a dress (just kidding, can’t fit into them) I’m sick nearly every day and no amount of hard-to-swallow pills keeps me from feeling moribund (vocab word del dia). I just wish I could go back to September and change my choices this year, yet still have things the same- Jon, friends, future events (Bar Harbor, Costa Rica, somewhere tropical next March). So basically, I’m okay. Just need school to end already so I can finally work towards putting my life together. 

End rant

I want to charge down the field in the most important lax game of the season, pushing bitches out of they way and scoring and being the fucking hero. that’s what i feel like i am but i’m too pudgy, too ugly, too slow but i’m sick of being that. i want to be what i feel like. beautiful, sexy, powerful, and a champion. i’m going hard these next few weeks because i’m sick of being not-as-good or ordinary. i want to be the best.